Why Couldn't he see what was wrong?
by TragedicMerlin
Summary: TRIGGER WARNINGS! More inside. Also AU Why couldn't he see what was wrong? Kaidan's downward spiral began months ago, but now it becomes intolerable. Everyone reflects on the past few months, coping with the aftermath. And Shepard? Well he just may discover the worst thing he possibly could.


**WARNING! This story is intended for a mature reader, and deals with several potentially triggering topics. If self-harm, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, drug use or alcoholism may trigger you DON'T READ THIS STORY!**

Why couldn't he see what was wrong?

 _Why couldn't he see what was wrong?_ Thought Kaidan, as tears streamed down his face. Did he truly not know what he was going through, or was he choosing to ignore it? _What if he doesn't care?_ That scared Kaidan more than the alternative, so much more. He took a dep breath as the sea breeze caressed his face, letting his hair gently blow into his eyes. Steadying himself, he stepped up, onto the bridge that overlooked the harbour. He kept his eyes focused on his feet as he walked. _Keep putting one foot in front of the other, everything will be better_ , he told himself, _demanded_ himself to believe. Reaching the highest point of the bridge, Kaidan looked down into the dark waters below his feet. It was the easiest way, he had decided. He had thought about jumping in front of a car, a train, a truck. But he couldn't bring himself to cause pain to the innocent soul who would have to live with it for the rest of their life. He had thought about pills, but they seemed an incredibly slow, painful way to go. And he had even thought about taking Shepard's gun and using that, but Kaidan couldn't bring himself to potentially torture the man like that. He'd already attempted this once, but the scars on his arms testified to the fact that he had failed.

He couldn't carry on like this, with the people he thought of as friends ignoring him, _blaming him_. He couldn't look them in the eyes and see the pity and anger they held. Resolute in his task, he reached into the inside of his jacket pocket, pulling out an almost empty packet of cigarettes. Taking one of the few that remained he swiftly put it in his mouth and lit it. _No reason not to enjoy one last smoke_. To hide himself he sat down behind one of the large pillars. Taking a drag he slowly exhaled, watching as the smoke curled in the air and slowly dissipated. He wouldn't have any regrets, he'd left everyone an individual note, and he had sorted out what would happen to his possessions, no surprises most of his stuff would go to Shepard. As the cigarette got smaller he steeled his resolve, nothing would stop him this time.

Shepard was swinging around lazily in his chair, sometimes being a detective could be so _boring._ He currently had no cases as he wasn't even supposed to be in the office, but Kaidan had insisted he was fine and that he should go back to work. His boyfriend of 3 years had been worrying him incredibly recently, starting when his disappeared for an entire week. Kaidan had claimed he had been working in the next city over, but it seemed strange he hadn't mentioned it until he had come back. He had put it to the back of his mind since he trusted Kaidan absolutely, and the man had never proven himself to be untrustworthy. For God's sake, he had even told Shepard about the time he'd kissed Liara during a game truth or dare! Honestly the only time Shepard had been 'angry' was when they first started dating and Kaidan would comment on the different men around them to tease him. Truthfully he had seen how some of those men looked at Kaidan and it made him jealous. He remembered when it was their fourth, maybe fifth date, he had gotten so jealous he all but tore Kaidan's clothes off in the middle of the restaurant. That was one of his favourite dates, he thought smugly.

Shepard was pulled out of his memories by a shock of blue hair suddenly appearing underneath his nose.

"S-shepard!" It was Liara, sobbing at his feet, one hand clutching his wrist, the other a clearly tear-streaked piece of paper. He immediately stood up, guiding Liara up with him. He used his free hand to lift up Liara's chin, so he could look her in the eyes.

"Liara, what's wrong?" He said in a gentle, but firm voice, his 'detective' voice, as so many people called.

"I-I'm so sorry I came as s-soon as I read the letter. Oh Shepard i-it's horrible, I don't want to be-believe it-"

"Liara I don't know what you're on about, what's happened?"

Still barely able to speak, she handed him the letter.

"D-didn't you get one as well?" she asked with confusion in her eyes.

"I haven't been home all day, what is it?"

Tears filled Liara's eyes once again. "O-oh G-god, he must've done it while you were out, p-please Shepard you need to read this, I-I'm so s-scared"

Shepard was now genuinely worried. He unfolded the letter and began to read;

 _Liara,_

 _I'm writing this to let you know that I'm truly sorry for any upset I've caused you these past few weeks. It was never my intention to hurt you, and I can never forgive myself for it. This is the last time you'll hear from me, I have no intention of carrying on without my friends. I only hope you can forgive me in time._

 _Forgive me,_

 _Kaidan_

Shepard reread the letter several times to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. His jaw was agape, and he wasn't quite sure if he still had the ability to speak.

"When did you get this?" he managed to choke out.

"It c-came with the mail this morning, Ga-garrus got one too, so did Ashley and Tali.

"Shit" was all Shepard was able to manage. He sank back into his chair, _what the hell is he doing?!_

"D-do you have any cl-clue as to where he could be?"

"I… don't, but we need to find him, soon"

Shepard's phone began buzzing as he forced out the words, he looked at the caller ID. Garrus.

"Garrus! Do you have any clue where Kaidan could be?"

"I do Shepard, are you near a TV?"

"Yeah I'm at the office, why?"

"Just… turn on the news" and he hung up, leaving Shepard staring at his phone.

"Liara, turn on the TV, to the news."

As Liara busied herself with finding the remote and then the right channel, a million thoughts rushed through Shepard's head. _Why is he doing this? Why didn't he talk to me! I should've noticed something wasn't right, I'm such a fool_. Meanwhile Liara had successfully got the news channel on, and was watching the screen intently. Shepard was able to force himself to watch, fearing the worst.

" _A man in his late twenties to early thirties is currently standing atop the harbour bridge, police believe the man is attempting to jump, negotiators are trying to talk him down, so far he has not made any attempt to jump, but he also refuses to engage with the police."_

"Oh my god it's Kaidan! Shepard, we have to go, now!"

Wordlessly, Shepard grabbed his keys and ran to the front door, Liara trailing behind him. One thought was in his mind, _I have to get to Kaidan, I have to save him._

 **A/N: I hope you 'enjoyed' this chapter, though I doubt that is right word. If you did, please let me know with a review! They feed me and soothe my ego. Until the next chapter!**

 **~ _TragedicMerlin_**


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